Dear Diary, Why do I self sabotage?

It's been a while since I've written even though I have so much to say. I've been going through a lot of changes and learning a lot. In this time I've been doing some self reflecting on past situations and relationships. The one I think about frequently is the one with the extraordinary man. The moment I met him a surge of electricity went through my body. If GOD made himself into the image of man he is the image. It's like time stopped. When he took a real interest in me I was shook. He complimented me on my mind, my creativity, my physical appearance was just a bonus. I didn't see that until now. I go back to the moment when I feel like I messed up with him. LOl Well the first moment. I made plenty of mistakes out of my fear and he always understood and saw me and my heart through them all. Anyway, one day while at his apartment he left me there and left me a key. I was shocked to the say the least. I didn't believe a man that extraordinary liked me seriously. There was no way he was giving ME the access like that to him. Not the peculiar girl with cat ears and different color wigs. To save myself of what I thought could be embarrassment, I returned it before he could ever ask for it back. He didn't say a word when I returned it and we never spoke about it. I often wonder in that moment did he think that I wasn't that into him or was it really just for me to lock up that day and me returning the key was expected? Is it my mind making up another reality I want to be true vs my reality? Did I self sabotage the relationship with a man I would have blindly followed? The man who saw inside me and calmed my soul? I might never know...

I realized I might have self sabotaged. Is it fear? I do that and have done in other parts of my life as well. For instance, take this blog, people ask me to post and I don't. People ask me to make a YouTube and I haven't. People ask me to cook more and I haven't. Most often we are our own greatest enemy and I know I am mine. I vow to myself to change that. I won't let fear hold me back any longer. The extraordinary man told me there is someone inside me and when I really believe in self I can move mountains. He was never a variable, never changed, always a constant. Time to believe in me and let that person inside me free! Remember, in life we take no l's only lessons. Until next time y'all, stay shining bright! 🌟🌞⭐

-Keke B. 😘